Two Phillie players who deserve to square away on their teammates.

The Philadelphia Phillies are obviously off to a slow start right now. It’s been ugly, I mean real ugly. It’s obvious not having Chase Utley and Ryan Howard in the lineup is hurting us. However, this team still has to find a way to stay in the race until we get our studs back, and then even when they do come back hope that they are ready to jump into the fire. Even with the slow start the Phillies still have a 19-19 record and only 4.5 games back. All this being said, there are 2 Phillies that should be able to kick the rest of the team in the dick. The only 2 Phillies that have been producing with not much to show for.

  1. Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz- I decided to take Joe Blantons “Man With The Golden Dick Award” away and give it to Chooch. Choochs defense is obvious, and at this point almost expected. That’s why he has this job in Philly. Any offense you got from Chooch in the past was icing on the cake, but Chooch said fuck that. Chooch has been a stud at the plate. He’s batting .343, he has 7 dingers which already surpassed last year’s total of 6, he’s recorded 24 RBI’s where last year he had a total of 40 and his OBP is .388. Chooch has been carrying this offense single handedly. Chooch has my permission to kick everyone else in their dick, except….
  2. Cliff Lee- How does a starting pitcher that is considered one of the best in the league with 0 wins this season make my list you ask me? Well listen up. Cliff has pitched in 5 games so far this year, missing some due to an injury. However, with 0 wins his ERA is at 1.95, his WHIP is .76. and recording 24 K’s and only 4 BB. He’s been dominate on the mound. He lost a god-damn game 0-1 for God’s sake. He has had no offense to back him up with the obvious exception of CHOOOOOOCH.

To be quite honest the only other Phillies I thought about putting on this list was Joe Blanton and Cole Hammels. Both have been fantastic. So maybe this is just my biased opinion, but when your killing the ball but nobody is on base and your pitching a gem but nobody is scoring for you that has to be frustrating. Chooch and Cliff, things will turn around. It’s just a matter of time before you get your best friends back in Utley and Howard. Just hang in there, hold on tight and keep at it. As for the rest of you Phillies, close your eyes, spread your legs and brace yourself. You have 2 kicks the dick coming your way.

 

Joe Blanton, The man with the golden dick.

Joe Blanton, your fucking IN.

The Philadelphia Phillies defeated the Atlanta Braves 4-0 this afternoon. After Carlos Ruiz, known in Philadelphia as Chooch, broke his back from trying to carry the Phillies last night, Joe Blanton had none of it and decided to put the Phillies on his back. Blanton pitched his first shutout since 2007 allowing only 3 hits. Blanton, only reaching 88 pitches in his complete game shows how dominate and in the zone he was.

So Joe Blanton I reward you with being the People’s Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor Cock and Balls. Today you bent Atlanta over and pulled their hair, well done.