Chase Utley Plays in Extended Spring Training Game.

Chase Utley played in his first baseball game since last season this afternoon. The Philadelphia Phillies played the New York Yankees in this spring game where Chase Utley went 3-4 with a home run, a double and a single. Even though this is just a spring training game its great news. Let’s hope he can get his ass to Philadelphia so we can have a 2nd baseman in our lineup who hits over .240. Slow and steady Chase, were ready when you are.

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Two Phillie players who deserve to square away on their teammates.

The Philadelphia Phillies are obviously off to a slow start right now. It’s been ugly, I mean real ugly. It’s obvious not having Chase Utley and Ryan Howard in the lineup is hurting us. However, this team still has to find a way to stay in the race until we get our studs back, and then even when they do come back hope that they are ready to jump into the fire. Even with the slow start the Phillies still have a 19-19 record and only 4.5 games back. All this being said, there are 2 Phillies that should be able to kick the rest of the team in the dick. The only 2 Phillies that have been producing with not much to show for.

  1. Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz- I decided to take Joe Blantons “Man With The Golden Dick Award” away and give it to Chooch. Choochs defense is obvious, and at this point almost expected. That’s why he has this job in Philly. Any offense you got from Chooch in the past was icing on the cake, but Chooch said fuck that. Chooch has been a stud at the plate. He’s batting .343, he has 7 dingers which already surpassed last year’s total of 6, he’s recorded 24 RBI’s where last year he had a total of 40 and his OBP is .388. Chooch has been carrying this offense single handedly. Chooch has my permission to kick everyone else in their dick, except….
  2. Cliff Lee- How does a starting pitcher that is considered one of the best in the league with 0 wins this season make my list you ask me? Well listen up. Cliff has pitched in 5 games so far this year, missing some due to an injury. However, with 0 wins his ERA is at 1.95, his WHIP is .76. and recording 24 K’s and only 4 BB. He’s been dominate on the mound. He lost a god-damn game 0-1 for God’s sake. He has had no offense to back him up with the obvious exception of CHOOOOOOCH.

To be quite honest the only other Phillies I thought about putting on this list was Joe Blanton and Cole Hammels. Both have been fantastic. So maybe this is just my biased opinion, but when your killing the ball but nobody is on base and your pitching a gem but nobody is scoring for you that has to be frustrating. Chooch and Cliff, things will turn around. It’s just a matter of time before you get your best friends back in Utley and Howard. Just hang in there, hold on tight and keep at it. As for the rest of you Phillies, close your eyes, spread your legs and brace yourself. You have 2 kicks the dick coming your way.

 

More then likely, Pat Burrelled your girl.

 

The man, the myth the legend. Pat the Bat Burrell will return to Philadelphia to retire as a Phillie on Saturday May 19th. There has been many wise tales about Pat Burrell roaming the streets late at night laying the wood on young beautiful women. I came across this video today and I just want to say thank you to www.birdtext.com. This is pure gold. To all you ladies out there, “How’s it feel to fuck Pat Burrell”. Men, keep your women close to you at all times. Their Vajayjay depends on it.

Going for the Philly Trifecta.

The big news is the Philadelphia 76ers won game 4 of the 1st round in the NBA Playoffs taking a 3-1 lead in the series. Now is the time for all you bandwagon fans to jump on. Assuming the Sixers win this series (which of course is not guaranteed at all) they would move on and play the winner of the Atlanta Hawk and Boston Celtics match up. Let’s get past the Bulls first, then we can hope for the over achieving Hawks rather than the aging Boston Celtics. Big win for the Sixers!

Tonight the Philadelphia Flyers go up against the New Jersey Devils in-game 4 of the 2nd round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. The Devils lead this series 2-1 so tonight’s game is imperative for the Flyers. Let’s hope that the Flyers remember how to shoot the god damn puck tonight. The Flyers really need their leaders to step up here. Look for Claude Giroux and Danny Briere to really step up and lets hope that Scott Hartnell comes up big tonight. It would be great to see Hartnell play like he has all tonight where we really need him. The Flyers know how to respond to adversity, lets see what tonight’s game brings.

Finally, the Philadelphia Phillies are playing the Washington Nationals tonight on ESPN for the Sunday Night Baseball. Not really anything else to say here. Thank god Cole Hamels is on the mound because the Phillies still can’t hit. I see the bats coming to life tonight though. They have to. right?

Sixers already got it done and is leading the way to make today a great day for Philly sports. Let’s see if your Philadelphia Flyers and Philadelphia Phillies can pull it off and make today a great day for all Philly fans.

Joe Blanton, The man with the golden dick.

Joe Blanton, your fucking IN.

The Philadelphia Phillies defeated the Atlanta Braves 4-0 this afternoon. After Carlos Ruiz, known in Philadelphia as Chooch, broke his back from trying to carry the Phillies last night, Joe Blanton had none of it and decided to put the Phillies on his back. Blanton pitched his first shutout since 2007 allowing only 3 hits. Blanton, only reaching 88 pitches in his complete game shows how dominate and in the zone he was.

So Joe Blanton I reward you with being the People’s Champion, the Shelby Sensation, the Reverse Apache Master, the Man with the Golden Dick, Doctor Cock and Balls. Today you bent Atlanta over and pulled their hair, well done.

Phillies struggle early out West, finish strong.

The Philadelphia Phillies opened up their West Coast trip in San Fran while wrapping it up yesterday afternoon in Arizona. The Phillies lost the series to San Fran 2-1. They split the series with probably the only other team that has a worse offense then us right now in the San Diego Padres 2-2. Thank God they went to Arizona to finish up the series where their bats came to life and won it 2-1.

To start the West Coast swing the Phillies offense had a terrible case of whiskey dick. It’s hard to imagine with sluggers such as Laynce Nix, Ty Wigginton and Freddy Galvis in their line-up that they would struggle at the plate. Luckily the final 2 games in Arizona the Phillies decided to take a heavy dose of Viagra and all of a sudden the whiskey dick went away. The Phillies finished their last 2 games with a total of 25 hits and 15 runs. It will be a nice change of scenery once Pence, Polanco, Rollins and Victorino get their shit together and the Phillies finally start hitting. Tomorrow they start their 4 game series out in Chicago against the Cubs.